


The Pubic Wars

by Thor_The_PopTart_Slut



Category: Historical RPF
Genre: Ancient History, Ancient Jokes, Ancient Rome, Bad Fic, Daddy Issues, Deliberate Badfic, Epistolary, Espionage, Hate Letters, Historical Accuracy, Implied/Referenced Elephant Rape, Implied/Referenced Gang Rape, Implied/Referenced Horse Rape, Latin, M/M, Nonnies Made Me Do It, Original Male Elephants - Freeform, Small Penis Insults, Your Mama Jokes
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-03-23
Updated: 2015-03-23
Packaged: 2018-03-19 04:47:15
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,006
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3596892
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Thor_The_PopTart_Slut/pseuds/Thor_The_PopTart_Slut
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Correspondence between Publius Cornelius Scipio the Younger, later called "Africanus," and Hannibal Barca, dated to late 210-early 209 BCE. This was roughly the chronological halfway point between Hannibal triumphing over Scipio the Elder in Italy (Battles of Ticinus, the Trebia, and Cannae), and Scipio the Younger defeating Hannibal for good in northern Africa (Battle of Zama).</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Pubic Wars

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Oroburos69](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Oroburos69/gifts).



> Your letter (http://chinook.dreamwidth.org/536.html) was so inspirational!

20 October, 535 AUC  
_Publius Cornelius Scipio Iunior Hannibal Barcae salutem dicit._

Hannibal, I am exceedingly displeased at your treatment of one of my spies. While all is supposedly fair in love and war, it is absolutely _not_ fair for you to have made sexual use of this man to the degree that when he returned to me he was essentially an omicron with head, arms, and legs. This was my favorite spy to “debrief,” too. Doing so now is like throwing a solitary Lucanian sausage through one of the _vomitoria_ of the Colosseum.

By the way, is the story I have of you in Massilia true? I am told that when you arrived, you dismounted your elephant, then ordered two of your men to bring you a ladder. You climbed this ladder, lifted the tail of your elephant, and laid a kiss directly upon its _culus_. The Massiliot in my pay reports that one of the witnesses was completely grossed out and asked you why you would do such a thing. Your reply was, “Chapped lips. Keeps me from lickin’ em.” _Vale, merda._

 

24 Paophi, Year 539  
_Hannibal Barca Publie Cornelie Scipioni Iunior saliva dickhead._ Hurr hurr hurr.

What can I say, Skippy. I am bored out of my mind up here. The other Africans and the Iberians are all being total pissbabies about the cold and won’t go skiing with me. Living on fondue and Gamay gets tiresome after a few weeks. I’d sacrifice a baby to Mot for a handful of black olives right now.

Worse, there is a shortage of fuckable people in the High Alps. The Allobroges are completely fug, even more so than Romans are, and the Ceutrones have ass-hair I could braid and put rafts together with, men and women alike. Maybe it keeps them warm, Baal only knows. Even the dogs around here are ugly. Big shaggy things with stupid faces and stupid little barrels around their stupid necks.

Your spy, on the other hand, was veeeeerrrrry pretty. And my elephants needed a reward. They’ll perform extra well for me from now on, because elephants never forget. I had no idea he was your spy, anyway. If I had I would have fucked him first.

That story you related is, of course, a repurposed joke about some Boii fellow or other and his horse, and a few generations ago it was probably told about a hypothetical Galatian. Your lack of originality should shame you, but Romans have no shame. Here’s a proper joke for you in closing: What do you call the tannish-whitish stuff between an elephant’s toes? Slow Romans. _Vale, concacator._

 

17 November, 535 AUC  
_Publius Cornelius Scipio Iunior Hannibal Barcae SD._

Don’t call me Skippy, _sterculinum_. Your boredom is not my problem; perhaps you should have brought a few snowboards and some stroke books along with the ski equipment and fondue pots.

Also, have fun banging _your_ favorite spy from now on. I made him the centerpiece of a gangbang that involved every soldier under my command, and then all of our horses got a turn at him. You should be able to get a panoramic view of the entire Po Valley through his asshole now. Don’t let him sit on any campstools if you want to find them again.

On another note, your mama is so _obesa_ that when she visits Rome it gains an eighth hill. _Vale, cevetor._

 

22 Athyr, Year 539  
_Hannibal Barca Hannibal Barca Publie Cornelie Scipioni Iunior SD._

My spy allows that the horses were a little rough on him, Skippy, but if he hadn’t known better he’d have assumed all your men were just fingering him. The inadequacy of the Roman _mentula_ is proverbial throughout the known world. Also, you neglected to mention in your previous missive that you were the first in line. He reports that his exact words to you were, “Is it in yet?” 

Your mama’s secretions account for 52.6% of all _garum_ exported by Rome. _Vale, verpillula._

 

15 December, 543 AUC  
_Publius Cornelius Scipio Iunior Hannibal Barcae SD._

The symbol of my _gens_ is a knotty wooden staff, which speaks for itself. You, on the other hand, have very little standing, and I use that noun quite deliberately, from which to cast aspersions on the Roman masculine member. I am told that the elephant is your choice of weapon because the trunk provides you with, shall we say, psychological compensation. Just curious, how do you compensate for your assuredly massive daddy issues? 

I hear Catullus and Martial have collaborated on and are about to jointly publish a new poem about your mama, which should be a little more clever than the usual stanzas about her that can be read on the walls of any public latrine in Rome. _Vale, defutute._

 

13 Choiak, Year 539  
_Hannibal Barca Hannibal Barca Publie Cornelie Scipioni Iunior SD._

Why, Skippy, were you looking for some advice, given that by the time _your_ daddy pulled his thumb out and got to Massilia I was having myself a nice little riverboat cruise? And given that shortly afterward I kicked his ass south again across two _more_ rivers? I wouldn’t talk about compensation if I were you, dude. 

BTW, what’s the difference between my elephants and your mama? My elephants need a break after I’ve been riding them all night. _Vale, irrumate._

 

2 Ianuarius, 544 AUC  
_Publius Cornelius Scipio Iunior Hannibal Barcae SD._

Don’t you talk about my father like that. Don’t you _dare_ fucking talk about my father like that. _Carthago delenda est,_ and Roman street vendors will be handing out elephant kebabs for free to even the lowliest of Romans. May you die in an avalanche, _sellarie_.

 

27 Choiak, Year 539  
_Hannibal Barca Publie Cornelie Scipioni Iunior SD._

Lol u mad, Skippy.

*****

 

_[And here is my artwork! It features Hannibal sitting in the recliner made famous by the Barca family, Scipio watching his centurion have his way with Hannibal's spy, and an Original Male Elephant having his way with Scipio's spy.]_


End file.
